Every Day is Monday

Heartwarming moment of the day: the judge, a nice, old, conservative Christian man, defending my kid's right to be referred to by the gender pronouns of his choice by gently correcting court staff who misgendered my kid.

Surprising moment of the day: you cannot unhear your kid saying "Captain America's a pussy because he doesn't have a bitch" in open court.

Frustrating moment of the day: my kid telling me before court that everything was fine, and then in open court describing the vivid hallucinations that accompanied a suicide attempt.

Things they don't teach you in law school: how to decide on the fly whether or not the younger kids should stick around and listen to their older sibling describe hallucinations that have been plaguing him.

True fact: you cannot unhear, and it will always hurt, when you hear a kid talk about using heroin, about being forced to take it, about not wanting it and crying out against someone shooting them up.

Thanks, work.

Things They Never Taught Me In Law School #5

Sometimes you'll be sitting in a meeting talking about how glad you are that your client's grandfather is in prison, because finally he's pinned down to one place and the government can go get a DNA sample from him to find out, definitively, whether or not he is your client's biological father. And that won't be the worst thing you'll have to talk about in that case that day.

True Facts #4

Wearing a suit to court does not automatically make you look classy and/or trustworthy. Suits trimmed with any kind of animal print will, however, make you look like a pimp and maybe like I shouldn't trust you with any of my kids.

Things They Never Taught Me In Law School #4

You can politic accidentally. They harp on networking from day one, and for those of us who are introverts or have social anxiety, networking sucks, and we're at a disadvantage. Networking, however, is not the same as politicking. That being said, we are taught to manipulate to get what we want. Turns out I can do that accidentally. Did it accidentally the other today, in an effort to protect my posting so I don't lose my court team in the shuffle. Walked away from the encounter both pleased and frightened.

True Facts #3

Smart criminals are typically a TV myth. If you get caught, you're stupid or unlucky or both. Usually stupid, though. If you're going to steal something from someone, do not then turn around and post that it is for sale on an Internet neighborhood yard sale site that serves the same neighborhood you stole the stuff from. If you do that, you will get caught, and we will cheer when they take you to jail, because we are cold, unfeeling people.

Things They Never Taught Me In Law School #3

Getting up in other people's relationship drama sucks. Divorce lawyers are always up in other people's relationship drama. I thought I was immune to it. But no. If foster parents are cheating on each other, I'm all up in that business. Also when my teenagers want to date and are not safe to, I am all up in that business too. Dating is a privilege, not a right. Trying to figure out how to get a stubborn kid to earn it is ridiculous.

Things They Never Taught Me In Law School #2

It is impossible to look professional while choking on your breakfast smoothie after your client says, while you are mid-sip, "My knees were on your boobs!"